Archive for the ‘Franchises’ Category

Football in Australia: How generous thou art

Does your suburb have a major sporting franchise in every code with an accompanying stadium? Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn.

Sure, it will fold pretty quickly because it never was, and probably never will be financially viable, but the salary cap will ensure that your team at least has a chance of making the finals. That is unless you’re unfortunate enough to get an AFL sponsored team, in which case it will be financially viable, somehow, but will never win a game. Quite a conundrum.

You should also note that this new team, that we have so generously given to you, will represent you, your community, all your interests, and generally is the best thing to ever happen to you. So get on board, pat our ridiculous mascot on the head, sing the terrible team song (here’s a copy of the words), and make sure you buy one of our butt-ugly jerseys. Geez they suck. Do you know why we made them like that? We knew there would be a Telegraph headline talking about how butt-ugly they are, and “any publicity is good publicity.” Do you know why that’s in quotes? Because they taught us that in marketing school, or was it in swimming class? I don’t really remember anymore. It was probably media training…

Objectively though, it’s a terrible jersey.

Oh, and don’t worry that you’re from Mt Druitt and we’ve lumped you in with the rest of “Western Sydney,” wherever that is. At least you have a slightly more defined geographical area than, say, North Queensland or the “Western” Bulldogs et Force.  Western what, Bulldogs? Western what? Also, does anyone remember the North Queensland Fury?

Now time to announce the biggest signing in the club’s short but revered history. Bah bah bah bah! Drum roll please. Look everyone! A coach! A coach that you may or may not have heard of. Yeah, he’s not going to strap on a pair of boots, but holy shit can he coach. Do you KNOW how many premierships this bloke has won? I sure as hell don’t, but it’s probably more than one.

Sarcasm aside for one moment (note the italics), how much of a travesty is it that Gary Ablett. Gary Fucking Ablett, the bloke who could have been the best player ever, is getting schooled every week because he plays in a team who would probably be beaten by most VFL teams? I’m no AFL expert, but I get the feeling that’s a pretty accurate summation of the situation of the Gold Coast and GWS franchises. Hats off to the guy for trying to spread the word, so to speak, but you fancy his highlight reels would be a lot longer, and the fans could derive a whole lot more pleasure from his performances if his team could play anywhere close to the standard of his old teammates. Poor Gary. 

Worry not, fan of sport, because we have chosen a very threatening moniker for our club which will obviously translate into on field success. This was somewhat true for the Gold Coast Titans. Running twelfth in your inaugural season ain’t bad. Not ‘Titanic,’ but not bad. The Suns, on the other hand, named after the very same thing as the Egyptian Gods Ra , weren’t very Ra-like in their first bite at the proverbial apple.

Minus Gary of course. Note that the Egyptian God Ra is often associated with creative power, something Gary has in droves. But if you ain’t got the cattle…

Think about it though. Titans. Force. Fury (or was it Roofy?). Giants. Suns. All very big, powerful names. Now think Rabbitohs, Cats and FC. Well, I know which one makes my penis feel larger.

Anyway, it’s almost time for us to hand back our license, and go to Western Sydney to poach players for the Australian Olympic Ping Pong team. Such is the talent. Such is the talent.

Stand, spray and deliver.

Critiques from the arm chair